Are you tired of not being invited to parties because you’re “a rotted, blood-soaked legion of the undead”? Sick of going on date after date, only to have none of them ever return your phone calls (I mean, okay, they’re not calling you back because you ripped their hearts out with your bare hands, but whatever. You can’t help it if you’re a free spirit.)?
If you’re a demonic/undead/quirky gal suffering from any of these pesky issues, read on for tips on how to go from monstrous to fabulous.
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Dark Under-Eye Circles
At the stroke of midnight, enter the abandoned, haunted mansion at the top of the hill (use GPS for directions).
Place a spoon in the freezer/portal to demonic dimension.
After two minutes of fighting off the ghost of a 17th-century sea captain, remove the spoon from the freezer and gently rub it under each eye.
Get sucked into the demonic dimension with fabulous, flawless under-eyes.
Sagging, Rotting Skin
Prep zombie skin with Bodyography’s Tinted Moisturizer
Apply an even layer of BB cream
Apply liquid foundation, followed by powder foundation.
Apply yellow-toned brightening powder to set makeup and smooth texture.
Eat brains with tight, perfect skin.
Commission a witch during the lunar solstice to cast an anti-bloodshot spell on you.
Sell your eternal soul to the devil in exchange for clear, bright eyes.
Chant “Bloody Mary” three times in front of a mirror. When she appears, ask if she has any tips.
Organs Spooling Out of Your Body After a Vicious Battle With a Pack of Werewolves Who Attacked You During a Full Moon and Now You Have a Hankering for Human Flesh and the Worriesome Thought That You Might Be a Werewolf Now Too
Rub ¼ cup of coconut oil into your scalp.
Repeat twice a day or as needed.
Make your own, cute DIY wig with the hair of your victims (see Pinterest for fashion-forward styling tips).
Avoid the harsh chemicals in whitening strips by opting, instead, for a baking soda-based toothpaste.
Switch out your regular floss for the teeth-whitening kind.
Just roll with it. Chunky jewelry and blood-stained teeth are this season’s must-have accessories.